Dear World.. Time To Spill.

Well, it's not like anyone really looks at this anyway. So what's the harm in spilling my guts?

Westley didn't last. Of course he didn't.. I honestly never expected him to. I fooled myself for nearly a year, talking about my wedding plans.. children, our carreers. I tried to figure out what I knew would be absolutely impossible. But hey, what's the harm in kidding yourself? It helped me to eventually not a give a damn. He's gone, out of my life for good. I still think about him alot. I still wish, in those little moments that I see him in the hallway, that we were back in the begining of our relationship. That things never got as hostile as they did. But the truth is.. They panned out this way for a reason. Because now, he's out of my life. He has friends and he's happy. I don't have to listen to him gripe constantly about everything I do anymore. I can be me, without his judgement or aggrivated ranting breatheing down the back of my neck. I can be with the friends that I love, and those who have truely cared about me this whole time. Who've laughed with me, and let me cry on their shoulder. Who've made me, in the moments where I felt like a waste of space, feel as though I belonged somewhere in this fucked up existance. I have more confidence then I ever dreamed of at this point. I can perform my duties in ROTC as they should be, and I can stand proudly and say that even though I have my quirks, my 'monsters', I love being me.

As far as recent developements, life has never been better. I'm content with the way things are. Sure, nothing's perfect.. I'm failing Math, and Chemistry's getting there. I struggle with my classes, but what student doesn't? I stress and I worry about quizes and tests, about keeping my social life afloat, and texting everyone that texted me back in the appropriate ammount of time needed so they won't think they're being ignored. I have my up days, when life couldn't be any easier. When it's almost as smooth as breatheing, perfect as a sunny, windy day.. Beautiful as the most intricate picture. And I have my down days. Those days when the entire world feels like it's beating me with a stick. Those days when I tell everyone to just leave me the hell alone, don't say a word to me. Don't even breathe my air. And then there are those.. even days. The ones where you had plans, but they failed, only to be replaced by lesser grade but still enjoyable ones. Take today, for example. I woke up, ready to attend my old school's homecoming dance. I was excited to see my friends, some of which I haven't seen in over two years.. And then, my ride gets a kidney stone, is rushed to the hospital and is found to have an ovarian cyst as well. Needless to say I had to go home. But the rest of the day turned out to be unbelieveably pleasent..

Jason. Those five letters describe something so perfect, so right, saying them together rolls off my tongue in such a way that I feel as though I'm reading poetry. In the sweetest, most endearing sense of the words, he might well be the best thing that has ever happened to me. To look into the past and see all of the monsters I turned into, simply to be with someone.. and then to just fall into this as myself, not having to change for anyone.. It's an amazing feeling. Truely. He makes me feel like I can be myself. There's a need for him to see me as 'perfect'.. and in the same sense, I don't have to do anything to fullfill that need. Something in him sees something in me, something that maybe even I don't see about myself. He sees beauty. I understand in a way, because I've seen beauty in the darkest of people. But this is ME we're talking about here.. I'm not beautiful. Perfect, sweet, gorgeous, witty, smart, funny.. None of those things. He's ridiculous for thinking that I could live up to any of those titles.. And maybe, I'm truely ridiculous for believeing him. Because no matter what I say, how much I fight him and how hard I argue against him, he still compliments me, knowing silently that I'm begining to accept every single word. I hang onto his every sentence, I love everything about him. His face. His body. His eyes. His voice. I could just stare at him for forever, not saying a word and everything would be alright. He's the background of my phone, because seeing his picture brings me peace when I feel like I can't handle things on my own. The way he laughs when I blank out. The awkward tongue quirk he has, while concentrating. How we can stay up til 1 in the morning, talking and laughing about absolutely nothing. I never thought that bliss and happiness would come in a package so complicated and full of consiquence.. But hell, as long as I keep smiling and laughing like this, I am not complaining.

Dear.. Who Could This Be To?

The scars on my back, where your nails dug in..
I remember that twisted pull of sin,
A laugh, last kiss and a friendly grin..
Now here, I watch my world spin