Dear.. Aah Eff It

I am shallow, I am broken
And there's nothing left to do
But sit here and write love songs
Because I'm nothing without you

Dear World.. Time To Spill.

Well, it's not like anyone really looks at this anyway. So what's the harm in spilling my guts?

Westley didn't last. Of course he didn't.. I honestly never expected him to. I fooled myself for nearly a year, talking about my wedding plans.. children, our carreers. I tried to figure out what I knew would be absolutely impossible. But hey, what's the harm in kidding yourself? It helped me to eventually not a give a damn. He's gone, out of my life for good. I still think about him alot. I still wish, in those little moments that I see him in the hallway, that we were back in the begining of our relationship. That things never got as hostile as they did. But the truth is.. They panned out this way for a reason. Because now, he's out of my life. He has friends and he's happy. I don't have to listen to him gripe constantly about everything I do anymore. I can be me, without his judgement or aggrivated ranting breatheing down the back of my neck. I can be with the friends that I love, and those who have truely cared about me this whole time. Who've laughed with me, and let me cry on their shoulder. Who've made me, in the moments where I felt like a waste of space, feel as though I belonged somewhere in this fucked up existance. I have more confidence then I ever dreamed of at this point. I can perform my duties in ROTC as they should be, and I can stand proudly and say that even though I have my quirks, my 'monsters', I love being me.

As far as recent developements, life has never been better. I'm content with the way things are. Sure, nothing's perfect.. I'm failing Math, and Chemistry's getting there. I struggle with my classes, but what student doesn't? I stress and I worry about quizes and tests, about keeping my social life afloat, and texting everyone that texted me back in the appropriate ammount of time needed so they won't think they're being ignored. I have my up days, when life couldn't be any easier. When it's almost as smooth as breatheing, perfect as a sunny, windy day.. Beautiful as the most intricate picture. And I have my down days. Those days when the entire world feels like it's beating me with a stick. Those days when I tell everyone to just leave me the hell alone, don't say a word to me. Don't even breathe my air. And then there are those.. even days. The ones where you had plans, but they failed, only to be replaced by lesser grade but still enjoyable ones. Take today, for example. I woke up, ready to attend my old school's homecoming dance. I was excited to see my friends, some of which I haven't seen in over two years.. And then, my ride gets a kidney stone, is rushed to the hospital and is found to have an ovarian cyst as well. Needless to say I had to go home. But the rest of the day turned out to be unbelieveably pleasent..

Jason. Those five letters describe something so perfect, so right, saying them together rolls off my tongue in such a way that I feel as though I'm reading poetry. In the sweetest, most endearing sense of the words, he might well be the best thing that has ever happened to me. To look into the past and see all of the monsters I turned into, simply to be with someone.. and then to just fall into this as myself, not having to change for anyone.. It's an amazing feeling. Truely. He makes me feel like I can be myself. There's a need for him to see me as 'perfect'.. and in the same sense, I don't have to do anything to fullfill that need. Something in him sees something in me, something that maybe even I don't see about myself. He sees beauty. I understand in a way, because I've seen beauty in the darkest of people. But this is ME we're talking about here.. I'm not beautiful. Perfect, sweet, gorgeous, witty, smart, funny.. None of those things. He's ridiculous for thinking that I could live up to any of those titles.. And maybe, I'm truely ridiculous for believeing him. Because no matter what I say, how much I fight him and how hard I argue against him, he still compliments me, knowing silently that I'm begining to accept every single word. I hang onto his every sentence, I love everything about him. His face. His body. His eyes. His voice. I could just stare at him for forever, not saying a word and everything would be alright. He's the background of my phone, because seeing his picture brings me peace when I feel like I can't handle things on my own. The way he laughs when I blank out. The awkward tongue quirk he has, while concentrating. How we can stay up til 1 in the morning, talking and laughing about absolutely nothing. I never thought that bliss and happiness would come in a package so complicated and full of consiquence.. But hell, as long as I keep smiling and laughing like this, I am not complaining.

Dear.. Who Could This Be To?

The scars on my back, where your nails dug in..
I remember that twisted pull of sin,
A laugh, last kiss and a friendly grin..
Now here, I watch my world spin

Dear Latest Lovesick Recipiant,

I know you're not that kind of guy.
Stop trying to make me think otherwise.
It may come to you as a surprise,
But these words I speak are wise.
Take this as a personal prize,
Broadcast it out into the skies.
It's not like anyone'll care, anyhow..

Dear Blogspot,

I've decided that because of you, and the fact that I was forced to come up with a cool name for my blog, I've also come up with my photography signature. Comments, anyone?

Dear Human Population,

So, I was on a latest news website yesterday, and I came across a video that struck me offensivly. Topic; Lust in males today. Basically, the video was from the male's point of view. A preacher, male, was discussing how women dress today, and speaking for young males about the "struggle" they have to face to simply walk across a college campus. According to him, true Christian males spend every moment of the day (and I say every moment of the day because there are ALWAYS going to be females around, unless you're in the bathroom) praying and asking for forgiveness for thinking dirty thoughts. "Women dress so provocitivly these days.. jeans that hug their buttox, form fitting shirts, and this draw's the male's eye, and thus his heart." Excuse me for wanting to look attractive. Is it not the female instinct to look attractive to males? And not only that, but who gives you the right to call us girls who "dress provocitivly" non-christian? And NEWS FA-LASH. There is no male out there that I've ever met that spends all of his time praying and looking down at the freaking ground so as to avoid eye contact with a female, because he's afraid "God will be displeased with him". Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that wearing a microskirt and a half t-shirt that shows everything but the nibble is wrong. That's understandable. But this preacher makes us girls look like the bad guy. We just think that we look cute in our clothes. TRUST us, we're not evil little coniving witches who plan on "destroying a male's spirituality" by looking cute. Infact, upon buying that cute pair of butt hugging lowrider jeans, we could care LESS about your spirituality. We're paying attention to how we think we look. It's the female instinct. *Shrug*

Oh, and here's another good one. In Canada, a police officer got into some major trouble because he made the comment "Women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized". Oh, well Mr. Officer. I didn't know that because I was wearing a skirt, that was an open invitation for freaks to come and rape me. I thought the skirt just looked good on me. Women in Canada have become afraid to go to the police about being sexually asulted, because they are afriad that the police will blame them for dressing the way they do. Because of this huge controversy, thousands of women and men gathered together to take part in the Slut Walk, a movement against victimization due to a woman's clothing. Being a woman, this ticked me off. So because I wear a dress or a skirt out in public, wear a little more makeup then usual and hang out with guys, I'm a slut and therefore it's perfectly fine for a man to come up and sexually assault me. That's such BS. Canadian police, you guys suck. It's painful how badly you suck. Thank God I don't live in Canada. Being raped is legal, if you wear a skirt. ;)

The SlutWalk in Toronto, Canada.

Dear Today And Forever,

In the end, the things we do every day can change us. They can mold us into the people we want to be, or the people we had nightmares about as kids. One stupid little choice can make us, or break us. I guess that's why parents always tell us to choose wisely about.. everything. About the foods we eat, even though most of the time, the healthy ones are nasty. The test questions we answer; because let's face it, no one likes tests. The friends we pick, because if you ever look at a person, their personality reflects who they hang around. The crazy ones act crazy, the sweet ones act sweet, and the bad influences act like they belong in the pen. And the sad part about life, it that normally, it takes a huge storm and plenty of years for people to realize how far behind they are in life. It took me 14 years, a lot of broken hearts, and plenty of duck tape to get the bump on my head, that made me realize that I can be so much better then this. I can have straight A's. I can be a perfect lady (though I'm sure that one won't happen.. Hha) and I can be the best friend you could ask for. I KNOW I can. It's all just a matter of getting there. And it starts here, it starts now. I'm tired of being that person that people run to for drama information, or answers on a major test, or a rebound date. I'm tired of being the depressed, little emo kid. And it changes today. Love me or hate me, from now on, no one's ever going to break me.

Dear These Random Thoughts,

 Let the thoughts flow. Relax. Lean back. Let your fingers talk. These are unspoken words, desires of the heart, brought on by emotions that we can't understand. Push, pull. Foward, back. The rocking motion of the universe, that keeps things all in balance. Everything, and nothing is equal. Life is equal to death, just as you walk through a door from the outside, in. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You may choose to behold, and because of that choice, it's inevitable that you will judge. Judge me as I am, not as what you see me to be. Inside, I am reckless. I am broken. I am beaten, and I am scarred. I've been hurt and cheated, and the pain took it's toll. I am afraid, afraid of everyone. Of everything. Life is a challenge, a daily strain. But you wouldn't notice that, from the outside looking in. I act like life is as easy as breatheing; in, out. In, out. Life, in the making. If only you knew, lonely spectator. If only I could cut myself open, and show you the battle scars. The wounds, the blood, sweat and tears. If I could but touch your mind and show you my life, through my own eyes.. through my own heart. If I could just give you a little taste, it would leave bitterness on your tongue. It would stay with you, always. It would haunt your dreams. And from then on, you'll value how short life is.. and how easily impacted we as individuals are.